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I set up a charcoal grill right outside my bar, on the street.I knew enough not to bathe in the ocean. The little jellyfish were almost invisible when they were in the water. When I went near the shoreline I always put on socks and leather or composite plastic boots. Things with spines that could kill you lived in the tidal waters too. I fished from the rocks and the docks. I grilled what I cooked.It had been a busy shipping port. Every once in a while I went looking for invoices for the shipping containers. I didn't really want anything, I was just curious. When I found a container full of canvas painter's tarps, all sealed in plastic wrap I took note. I might have to make my own clothing in ten years or so, God forbid I should live so long. I found a few containers full of fry-max. They had an expiration date from hell stamped on them. Should I take a chance? I decided to take a risk. I got out one of the big five-gallon jugs, half-filled a dutch oven with it and put the whole. Iwoke up quite unsure whether I was a man or a woman on the inside, but Iknew that I wanted to give dressing and acting as a woman a decent try.Let me be clear, I'd spent my life as kinda a half-hearted man, but aman. I wasn't a woman trapped in a man's body or any of that. I'dcross-dressed a couple of times in college and enjoyed it, but I wasscared of it too. One of the reasons I've worn a beard most of my adultlife is so I wouldn't be tempted to cross-dress. The frisson of cross-dressing in college had been envy and exploration, not self-doubt orconfusion. OK, the last few years had been hard on me, and my manhood.Losing my career, becoming a stay-at-home dad. There had beendepression, and low self worth and wondering if maleness really worksproperly in our culture anymore. But, I'd never in my life seriouslydoubted that I was a man, before that morning. On Friday morning I wokeup different. It was like masculinity had no more power over me on theinside, as if I was.
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